It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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