It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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