She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
