She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
