Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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