Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
