Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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