I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize