Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
