also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize