I must be too annoying 4 u.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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