I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
