Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You took a bar mat shot.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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