No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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