Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Randomize