So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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