today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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