he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
