walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
