you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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