Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
