I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
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