I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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