Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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