I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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