Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Terrible idea I love it
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
