He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
