He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize