I could make wine with my vomit
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
