so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize