Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
