the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I need to calm my uterus...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
