Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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