I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
