pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Randomize
