she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
In America we eat man semen.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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