once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Man, jail baloney is awful.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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