You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
