I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
that's an acceptable place to lick
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
