Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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