You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
