once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
