White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The best revenge is premature balding
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
