then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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