the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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