I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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