Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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