I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
