How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
