I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
