weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
