I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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