in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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