whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
