i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
