I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She's like a pop up book from hell.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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