I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
