Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize