Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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