just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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