I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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