Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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