how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
