now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize